A Neuro-atypical Life with High Functioning Autism

"A potpie was placed in the microwave, and the six minutes of cooking time were used to doctor a piece of duct tape masking a hole in his shoe. Some years the indigent man made as little as seven thousand dollars, but he had become wily over the years in hiding his destitution. In this instance, he was employing Chaplinesque ingenuity in painting a piece of taped-over cardboard to match the tread on his sole. He could perhaps work more and afford better footwear, and even better groceries, but preferred working as little as possible and at jobs that required no intelligence and few interactions with others. He needed to constantly remind himself he suffered because he was an artist, not because he was a masochist." –from Chapter One

Genesis of This Project:
A friendless man who lives practically as a shut-in is not the most promising candidate for a memoir, but until I came to understand I had Asperger's Syndrome, it was only my intention to write a work of speculative fiction. Autism not only informs the subject matter, but the memoir/novel is itself an autistic creation. This book is not meant to conceal my life in fiction, but rather to reveal how my life requires a kind of fiction to be understood.

"It was like him to fall in love with the lead actress and watch a film over and over again without cessation. His gushing heart would be uncritical in its initial praise, and only with over-familiarity would his eye wander off-script into peripheral details the filmmaker never intended for scrutiny. The fantasy, from there, would unravel from the inside out, beginning innocently when an untouched water pitcher would be noticed changing sides on a table during a conversation, and then onto the late discovery of a subtle tic in the actress’ facial mannerisms. Eventually it would come down to reading the lips of background characters, and finally spying the one guy in the crowd looking directly into the camera and mumbling, “I am the devil.” By then, he would be watching an entirely different movie: a movie so painfully familiar that it was completely alien." –from Chapter Twenty-two

The Plot:
Michael Louden-West is a hyper-logical man who understands himself in debilitating detail, yet largely relates to the world outside his door through social logic gleaned from old movies, especially science fiction and screwball romantic comedies. He comes to believe that a terrifying and beautiful angel has invaded his house, and lacking corporeal form this entity assumes the guise of his memories: both real remembrances and those transposed from movies. Michael's housebound existence is a metaphor for his undiagnosed autism, and, like Jacob, he must wrestle his fiery angel to secure a blessing from a curse.

This film from Chapter Five illustrates my Asperger's trait of finding patterns and pictures in strange places.

"The friend chafed. 'I’m never anxious to meet any woman who will be your undoing.'

Michael frowned.

Omar justified himself. 'I don’t blame women for that, mind you. Domesticity makes women Nature’s natural ally in dragging the species down into mediocrity. Women save the race from the terminal fate of either being too cerebral or too dangerous to survive.'” –from Chapter Twenty-three

Why I am publishing my book on a website:
My creative life divides naturally between acts of mimicry and abstruseness. Resultantly, every reinvention of myself (composer, painter, cartoonist, writer…) has been marked by the same predicament: I am too avant-garde to be mainstream, and too mainstream to be avant-garde. In a world where success depends on how well you meet an expectation, I am seen as being too conventional by one set of gatekeepers and too different by another; yet by any thoughtful inspection I am clearly my own thing. Given this reliable misjudgment, and given I can make no headway against it, I am undertaking to publish my “too too” book electronically on this website. This does not mean I am not interested in finding a print publisher for my project. Any inquiries or advice on potential publishers or agents will be enthusiastically received at mlteague@blenderkitty.com.

(More of my literary complaints can be read in the Reflections on My Years in the Wilderness section under Confessions from a Freak of Nature at Blender Kitty.)

An Aversion to Ladders took four intensive years to write, with an additional year of rewrites. With tens of thousands of edits, this project would have been inconceivable without the aid of a computer. As a website, the sheer scope of this book—with original art, animation, popup imagery, photographs, and even music—reinvents the idea of what a book can be.

Plug-in for Flash Player (if needed).

(This book is not recommended for readers under the age of eighteen.)

An Aversion to Ladders

Table of Contents:

PART I: Spyglass Darkly House

Prologue: (A Sleep) 1 (A Forgetting) 1 (A Coming from Afar) 1

Chapter One (Heaven and Hell): 1, 2

Chapter Two (The Labyrinth): 1, 2, 3

Chapter Three (Stonesthrow): 1, 2

Chapter Four (The Day the Earth Stood Still, Part 1): 1, 2

Chapter Five (The Day the Earth Stood Still, Part 2): 1, 2

Chapter Six (The Day the Earth Stood Still, Part 3): 1, 2, 3

Chapter Seven (The Day the Earth Stood Still, Part 4): 1, 2

PART II: The Idée Fixe

Chapter Eight (Chaos): 1, 2

Chapter Nine (The Dancing Star, Part 1): 1, 2, 3

Chapter Ten (The Dancing Star, Part 2): 1, 2

Chapter Eleven (A Visitation): 1, 2

Chapter Twelve (The Persistence of Memory): 1, 2

Chapter Thirteen (The Ghost in the Machine, Part 1): 1, 2

Chapter Fourteen (The Ghost in the Machine, Part 2): 1, 2, 3

PART III: The Blind Man

Chapter Fifteen (The Blind Man, Part 1): 1, 2

Chapter Sixteen (The Blind Man, Part 2): 1, 2

Chapter Seventeen (Invasion of the Body Snatcher) 1, 2, 3, 4

Chapter Eighteen (In-Betweenness) 1, 2, 3

Chapter Nineteen (The Unsayable, Part 1) 1, 2, 3

Chapter Twenty (The Unsayable, Part 2) 1, 2

PART IV: The Doppelgänger

Chapter Twenty-one (The Haunted Ruin) 1, 2

Chapter Twenty-two (The Doppelgänger) 1, 2

Chapter Twenty-three (The Bug Collector) 1, 2, 3, 4

Chapter Twenty-four (The Child, Part 1) 1, 2

Chapter Twenty-five (The Child, Part 2) 1, 2, 3

PART V: Intangible Gift

Chapter Twenty-six (Infinity) 1, 2, 3

Chapter Twenty-seven (The Sublime) 1, 2, 3

Chapter Twenty-eight (The Black Box) 1

Chapter Twenty-nine (The Object Lesson) 1, 2, 3, 4

Chapter Thirty (Deus Ex Machina) 1

Chapter Thirty-one (The Day of Eternal Noon) 1, 2

Epilogue (The Unknowable Thing-in-Itself) 1   (The Balance of Memory) 1

Calendar:
· Start date for notes on story: mid-September 2003

· Start date for manuscript: late October 2003

· Unofficial finish date for manuscript and art: late December 2007

· Official finish date for rewrites: November 2008

· Chapter Thirty-one ending revisited: May 2009

Tip Jar If you like what you see, read, or hear at Asperger's Doorknob, then any donation you can make that will help defray the cost of the website will surely be appreciated! Thank you!

Stonesthrow, A Musical Protrait: I think the book jacket would read: "...a postcard perfect little town with a dark secret." Actually, Stonesthrow is more a fractured state of mind than a place. The music is happy and bright, but like the idyllic town in my book, it takes a dark turn at the end. (3 minutes 48 seconds in length) 5/15/09

Emma, A Musical Protrait: Music inspired by my book. A soaring tribute to our fashion plate heroine, tinged with a trace of melancholy. Dedicated to cheesecake painter extraordinaire, Gil Elvgren. (3 minutes 50 seconds in length) (More of my music can be found at Blender Kitty.) 6/08/09

Companion Notes: including The DSM-IV Criteria for Asperger’s Syndrome, exploration of themes and symbols in An Aversion of Ladders, background on the novel that became a memoir, and more. (One is advised to read the book before visiting these pages.) Last Updated: 12/03/08

Further Topics Arising from My Book, Parts 1 & 2: includes discussions on the limits of science, the importance of paradox, and a third option in the Darwinism versus Intelligent Design debate. Last Updated: 4/23/09

Further Topics Arising from My Book, Part 3: includes discussions on autism and the arts, the bane of neurotypical thinking, and how I believe Shakespeare, Schopenhauer, and David Lynch can be added to the growing list of names of those who display(ed) autistic traits. Last Updated: 6/04/09

Further Reading:
The Bear Star: In the Prologue of An Aversion to Ladders, the narrator refers obliquely to “a bear sniffing around the stakes.” This is an allusion to the original beginning of my novel, which was set at an observatory where a mysterious bear was nosing around the dumpster and setting off motion detectors. The scene was intended as a metaphor for the end of the world: first seen and forgotten in the telescope, and then darkly remembered as something lurking outside the door. All the elements from this original prologue (save the bear) were incorporated into my book in other ways, although I later reset the bear and observatory in a short story, which you can read here. Last Updated: 2/14/08

Van Gogh's Ear: I wrote this short story in 2007. It is only tangentially about Van Gogh being cloned from his cut-off ear. The central story revolves around an art teacher who rediscovers his love for art after a chance encounter with the mother of one of his second grade students. The coffeehouse conversation between mother and teacher touches on themes presented by Omar in the last scene of Chapter Twenty-three. Last Updated: 2/04/09

About images used on this site:
All images in this book that are not my own are used purely for identification and educational purposes. Where no copyright is involved, a given link will open a given image. Where copyrights might be involved, I have a "fair use rationale" posted under each picture.

Intended Readers:
As a web project in 2008, my year of extensive edits has bolstered me in the idea An Aversion to Ladders continues to be a living document; and for anyone rereading it in recent months they will find some of the text markedly different from the original version. I see these real-time “improvements” as one of the luxuries web publishing affords the writer over the printed page. For those who stumble over my book and find value in it, I would love to hear from you, because when you have autism the only leverage you have in this non-autistic world is through winning advocates to your cause. Comments are welcomed and can be sent to me at: mlteague@blenderkitty.com

–the author, Michael Lowell Teague

A Note on Typos: As I explain in the book, I suffer from a form of word-blindness, as well as other writing difficulties. (All this is a part of my Asperger’s.) Spell check can only catch so much, but I have recently discovered the marvel of text-to-speech software, which, in reading my text back to me, enables my ear to detect grammatical mistakes my eye has difficulty seeing. This has been especially helpful in detecting missing and misused prepositions, articles, and pronouns, which, along with confused homonyms, constitute the majority of my writing mistakes. I have gone back through the book employing this tool and have uncovered nearly a hundred typos!

Book Copyright© 2007 Michael Teague. All rights reserved.

Site Copyright© 2009 Michael Teague. All rights reserved.